Closing My Eyes

Poem (TW trauma)

Image credit: Canva

Trained not to Look

Closing my eyes when the doctor touches me
I’m so filled with shame
Going to the hospital because my abdomen was tender
And I’d been doubled over in pain

Its childhood training, I suppose,
As a nurse prodded, she asked ‘why are you shutting your eyes?’
I didn’t want to see
And on both beds a part of me died

It hadn’t occurred to me that others didn’t do that
Yes, I was uncomfortable being touched
But it was a cross between passively dissociating
Submitting, And feeling scared when it was too much

I felt a flash of fear in my eyes going to the dentist
Just wanted to shut them and zone out
Thought we all have to endure
Denying panic was what life’s been about

Sensations I feel in my body..
Is it really my body or just a shell?
Clenching in the pit of my stomach
Nausea, trouble swallowing…violent invasions
And dirty sickness, I’ll never tell

Putting my hand up to my own throat
Watching my skin go white
Colour draining, guts drop to the floor
Painful intensity of the fright

What exactly happened?
And that lurching feeling, thinking you already know
Weird around medical professionals, not defining flashbacks
Disguising my secret, ashamed to let it show

You did this, it’s not my fault
Feeling faint with tender bruises to the soul
A yellowy brown, the icky repelling loneliness
Captures all control